A Visit to the X-Ray Department

Hospitals are a vital part of our community. They are not a fun place to visit if you are having a procedure done or have health problems.

This morning I had to visit our local hospital for an x-ray. Recently I have been experiencing pain in my left thumb. When I visited the doctor I was told that this could be a repetitive strain, yes I am on my phone a lot, so this will not help. Or worst case scenario I have an early onset of arthritis.

When I went in to have my x-ray I was greeted by a medical radiology student who asked for my consent to perform my x-ray. As I was stood there waiting to have my x-ray I could not help but listen in to their discussions. The qualified radiology nurse was telling the student all about the machine and this got me thinking about how, when I was at school, I had thought about a career in nursing. 

Today is also World Cancer Day.

The diagnosis and cure of so many cancers is all thanks to the technology that is radiography. We, as a family, have lost people to this devastating disease but I am also so proud and lucky to say that we have people who have had it, beat it and remain cancer free! Radiology really is amazing and certainly saves and improves our lives. As with a lot of medical positions they are always on the look out for new people to train up and fill positions. I know that part of me does wish that I had followed nursing when I was younger but naivety won and studying didn't! But I am a true believer in things happening for a reason and the paths that you choose in life make you the person that you are today.

Dear Grandad

I now feel as ready as I'll ever be to write this post. I'm hoping that it will help me on my grieving process and enable me to begin to move on.
So here goes........

Dear Grandad,

Two weeks ago you left us.
You left us all heart broken and left a huge empty space in our lives.
You had fought the evil disease cancer for so long. I even think that you had hidden the level of your suffering until we all knew the true extent of it. Once we all knew, you gave in to it, too tired and exhausted to fight any more.
We were just starting to try and get our heads around the thought that we only had months left with you. Little did we know we would only have 9 days.
We had so much planned for the next few months. We had Joseph's 9th birthday to celebrate, we had the twins christening to celebrate, we had dads 60th birthday to celebrate and most of all we had Christmas to celebrate together as a whole family. We were going to make this Christmas such a special one.
We will never celebrate all of these together as a whole family.
That has all been stolen from us.
You have been stolen from us.
I still cannot truly believe that you have gone.
When nanna rings, the telephone still flashes up as "Nanna and Grandad", when we go round I still expect to hear you call out "Hello!", I still expect to wake up and it has all been a horrible nightmare.
But, I know that this is not true.
You have gone.
I was by your side when you took your last breath, I told you to sleep tight. I am pleased that your suffering is over but that does not make me miss you any less. You have always been there and I will always miss you.
Today I saw you for the last time. You looked at peace, your pain had gone.
Tomorrow we will lay you to rest.
I am not going to say goodbye. I am just going to say good night.
Goodbye seems so final. I like to believe that you have gone to another place. You are watching over us.
Tomorrow is going to be such a hard day. We will all make you proud and will be there by nanna's side and give her all the support that we can.
Grandad, may you rest in peace. Everyone has said that you were always such a gentleman, they were right. You were a very special man who will never be forgotten.

Grandad, you'll always be missed

but will forever be in our

hearts, thoughts and memories

Love you always

Good night, Love you, God bless

xxxxx

Wednesday Words - I'm Not Saying Goodbye

This is my first post for Wednesday Words. I have often thought about taking part but after reading http://www.crazywithtwins.com/2013/09/11/wednesday-words-insanity-vs-the-saatchi-bill/ it hit a nerve close to home and got me thinking.

As many will know my grandad recently passed away after battling cancer. On Friday I am going to have to face his funeral. Just thinking about Friday makes me feel physically sick with nerves. I really do not want to say goodbye and I am not going to say goodbye.
I will be saying good night!
The quote that I found below made me think.
I will never forget, yes my grandad is not with us in person, but he is still with us in spirit.
He will always live on in our hearts, thoughts and memories.

“Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting.”
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

 

Circle of Life

Life.
We all know that we have a circle of life.
We are born.
We grow from babies into children.
Children grow into teenagers.
Teenagers grow into adults.
We live life, we love, we hate, we laugh, we cry, we celebrate life, we grieve.
We all know that life has to come to an end. But this does not make it any easier when it is time to say goodbye.
This is the stage that I am at now.
Am I ready and strong enough to say goodbye?
To be honest I do not think that I will ever be ready to say goodbye. I do not want to say goodbye ever, but I know it has to be said at some point.
Am I strong enough?
Probably not if I am being truthful, but I know that my family and my husband will support me and help me through the difficult days that we are all living at the moment.
I do find it hard to vocalise my feelings. This blog has become a bit like a counsellor to me. I am getting all of these thoughts out of my head.
As I am writing this the tears are flowing and I cannot believe that this is happening.
We were devastated when we thought we only had months left.
That was only 8 days ago!
How has this all happened so fast?
I just cannot even begin to understand it all.
In a way I feel that I am already grieving for my grandad. He is still here, but at the same time he is not.
Today is going to be the hardest visit that I will make. This may be the last time that I see him. The last time I hold his hand, the last time I kiss him goodbye. Just thinking about this breaks my heart. I cannot imagine not having him my life, he has always been there and has always been a big part of my life.
I need to stay strong for my children. Joseph has already picked up on things and I have had to tell him that his gramps is very poorly. I have had to prepare him for what will be happening and I dread breaking that news to him when it happens.
It is my children and hubby that are keeping me afloat and I need to stay as strong as I can for them. I am taking each day as it comes and I am coming to the realisation that things are going to get worse before they get better.
But I am preparing myself for a difficult visit and I will say my goodbyes just in case I don't get another chance.
This is the circle of life.
This is how it is.
It is still one of the hardest things that we have ever have to do.
Saying that one word.
Goodbye x

What a Couple of Days!

Sorry for being so quiet!
The last couple of days have been emotionally exhausting and when the children have been in bed I have been too tired to even think about writing! I have also been spending some quality time with my loved ones.
It is hard to comprehend that it has only been 1 week since we got the devastating news about my grandad so much has happened! He has gone from being ok to not being very well at all and is unfortunately in hospital at the moment. He is the best place and is getting the best care that he needs. We are just hoping and praying that the antibiotics start to work so that we can get him back home with his family.
At the moment we do not know what to expect. A week ago none of us would have believed we would be where we are now!
The last couple of days have gone by in a blur of looking after the kids, visits to my nanna's and visits to the hospital!
I worry a lot about my nanna too, being on her own can not be easy. But I am happy in the knowledge that she has a good support network of neighbours and friends who live in the village. Plus we have been going over practically every other day this last week. At the moment it is easier with Joseph being off school but when he returns to school I know that it will be harder to work around school times.
Hopefully by the time Joseph returns to school things will be back to normal.
Today is a new day and I hope and pray that we get some better news, God knows we need it!

Feeling Run Down

Im not feeling great at the moment so I am glad that it is a bank holiday weekend and I have got my hubby at home for an extra day.
I just feel so worn out and run down. Because of everything that is happening in our family at the moment I am worrying a lot which probably is not helping. I feel that I am worrying about everyone.
Obviously I am extremely worried about my grandad and the time we have left with him
I worry about my nanna. My grandad is her carer so therefore with him being poorly I worry about how my nanna is coping.
I worry about my dad. After all it is his dad that this is happening too. I know how I feel about my mum and dad and if I was faced with this news about either of them I would be devastated.
I worry about my sister. She lives even further away which must be hard.
My nanna and grandad living so far away doesn't help anyone. We are all trying to be there as much as we can for them.
On Wednesday my grandad has got a session of radiotherapy which in the short term will make him feel bad but in the long term will relieve the pain and will give him a better quality of life. This is what we need to remember when he is not good.
All of what is happening certainly does make you appreciate every single day and makes you thankful for what we have got. It is so easy to take life and people for granted and it is not until you are faced with life threatening situations you fully appreciate every hug, kiss, wink of an eye, every word spoken. I will cherish every single moment that we have left with my grandad. As a family we need to make this Christmas count as it may be our last one all together.
I thank God for all my family, my husband, my children, my mum and dad, my sister and her family, my grandparents, and my mother in law. Together we give each other all of the support that we need and together we will get through this.

How Can We Only Have Months Left Together?

Today I am lost for words to describe how I am feeling.
I am not great at talking about how I feel but I have always been able to articulate better through writing. However I am really not sure where to start. So I will probably babble my way through this one!
Yesterday we received the devastating news that we only have months left with Grandad.
Months.......
How do I even begin to comprehend how a life can be measured in months?
For example, the last 18 months, which you could technically measure in years, have flown. I do not want the coming months to fly by. That I think is my fear. I do not want it to go quick as I am not ready to say goodbye. I don't think I'll ever be ready.
How can I make the time we have left count? First I think I need to come to the realisation that the cancer is winning and eventually it is going to win.
I had already promised myself that I would go and see them more often. I had been thinking about going every other week. I wish we could see them everyday but I know I am going to have to settle with every week. I want to see as many good days as I can, I want the children to have happy memories. I know that the twins will be too young to have any memory of their Gramps but Joseph will have.
Joseph......
How do I even start to prepare him for what will happen? As long as Grandad is "well" I won't say anything but when he does start to get ill I know that I will have to say something. I also know that he will be heart broken. How do you begin to tell a 9 year old that his Gramps is poorly and will not be getting better.
If I cannot get my head around it, how will he?
My Nanna and Grandad have always been a huge part of my life and they have always had a big presence in Joseph's life too.
Even though you know its not true, you always imagine them being there and cannot imagine a life without them.
I also worry about my Nanna. How will she cope? I don't think that she will.
How will my Dad cope?
How will my Mum cope?
How will my younger sister cope?
How will I cope? When it happens, I don't know that I will for a while, then again I may surprise myself as we will all have had prior warning.
I do appreciate that we have what ever time left but it does not make it all any easier.
I think that as a family we will all support each other as we are all close and with each others help we will get through this.
We are going to have some hard times coming and I thank God that I have got my hubby and children to keep me strong.

Manic Couple of Days

What a couple of days we have had. I really do not know how I am still sane. The twins have changed into climbing explorers and escape artists and Joseph has just been full on.
If feel that I may have jinxed everything with my post that said it was getting easier! I have not had a moment to even blog! As soon as we've had some peace and quiet I've been shattered and ready for bed.
Taylor has discovered that not only can he crawl with his seat still strapped on but he can also walk with it on. The chairs were my safety net that has now been whipped away. Whenever I wanted to keep the twins in one place I would put them in their chairs. So these last two days have been exhausting days. I have been rushing around trying to get house jobs done before they can get into any mischief. Believe me this has been a huge challenge and a lot of jobs have just not been done. But on the other hand I have had even more time with the children. Our house is rarely spotless and the floors are always covered with toys but I like to think that we have got happy and contented children which is much more important.
After all of Thursday's stress from a bad night on Wednesday and feeling like we live in a mad house, hubby suggested asking my mum and dad to come down for a BBQ. This was to our first BBQ in our own house. This time, chilling in the garden, with the people closest to me and a glass of wine helped me no end. We had a lovely couple of hours talking, laughing and reminiscing. Apart from my hubby, my parents have a huge role in my life. We missed 7 years together when I lived abroad and from the moment that I moved back to England we have been close. Even more so when I moved back into the village. I really cannot imagine living anywhere else. I feel so lucky to have them just down the road.
Yesterday I made the trip to see my nanna and grandad. This is the first time that I have felt able to go on my own with the twins. I normally go with either my mum and dad or hubby, if he is not at work. Our twins have always been quite shy babies. If they are around people that they see regularly, they are ok, but if they haven't seen you in a while or they don't know who you are, they are hard work. They just want to be held and scream at the "new" faces. This may be my fault as we do not go far from home. When Joseph was younger I took him to different play groups purely because he was, at that time, an only child and I wanted him to socialize. I don't do this with the twins. I feel that they have each other to play with. We did go, a couple of times, to a local playgroup to get them weighed and as we were the only multiple family it felt like we were a circus show. The other mums, who just had the one baby, found it fascinating to sit and watch and stare at the mum with twins. It made me feel like people were judging and watching to see how I coped. For any new mum, whether you have multiples or singletons, this is hard. So I did shy away from the groups. But also, anyone who has multiples, will understand that going anywhere require meticulous planning and organisation and when you throw in the school pick ups it is hard! With two clingy, shy babies it would have caused more stress than enjoyment.
I felt that this visit the twins would be ok as we were all there, as a family, at the weekend. I knew that they would still be fresh in the twins memory. Thankfully I was not wrong. Taylor went walking straight in and even Isabella never made fuss. This was probably the first time that they have interacted and played with their great grandparents in this way and I could tell that they were over the moon with this. Since having the news about my grandad I have been thinking a lot. I am going to take the children over so much more than I did do. I have come to this decision, not just for the children and my grandparents, but for me too. I want to spend as much time with them both before times get really bad. It is hard to imagine how we will all cope when he does get poorly so that is why I want to see as many good days as I can.
I want to create memories for all of us to treasure. We certainly achieved that yesterday.

Not The Best Outcome

Well today was the dreaded D-day. The day we would find out whether the cancer had slowed down or not.
Unfortunately we got the heartbreaking news that it has not slowed down. So now we really do need to face the harsh reality that this is something that will not go away. It is here to stay and it will inevitably leave us devastated.
As I have said before I cannot imagine life without my grandad in it and nor do I want to but I know, that one day, I will have to face that outcome but until it happens I really do not need to deal with that. Call it denial, call it what you will, its my defence mechanism coming into play and that's how I will cope until then.
But I have made a promise to myself to go over more often, even if it is hard work for me on my own with the children, the hard work will be worth it because I know, deep down, that if I do not make more of an effort now, one day I will regret not doing more. They have always been there for me. During the good times and during the bad times that I've been through they were always there for me. They never lost faith in me and I am proud to say that I didn't let them down.
Since being very young I can remember them having a huge impact on my life. This is why I am finding this all so hard to digest, he has always been there, I want the twins to know their Gramps as Joseph does and enjoy having him in their lives as I did when I was a child.
The only way forward, for me, is to go on as normal, well as normal as possible, and just be there whenever they need someone.
I pray that the new medication slows it down so that we can have some more time to create more memories.

Hope and Dread

Yesterday (Saturday) we had a lovely but emotional day. We spent the day with 2 very special people that we just do not see enough of.
We went to see my grandparents. Unfortunately my grandparents don't live close by. They live in a remote village which is a good 20 minutes drive along country roads so we don't see them as often as we should. They are both in their late 80's and do well to say they are not in the greatest health.
I have always been particularly close to my nanna and grandad and I have so many happy childhood memories of summer holidays spent with them. I remember the excitement of going and spending a week or two with them on my own. I was well and truly spoilt and am so thankful for these memories. They have always been a huge part of my life.
Over the past years my nannas health has deteriorated and my grandad has become her carer. However during the last 2 years we have also notice a change in my grandad. At my wedding he collapsed and spent the night in hospital. This has happened before but I feel that this time everyone's alarm bells started to ring. My grandad is one of the most selfless people I know. He puts my nanna before everything, including his own health. As he is her carer he is extremely aware of how she would cope if he were not well or if he gave in and admitted he was not well.
Last year, just weeks after the twins were born, our worries became a reality and he was diagnosed with prostate cancer.
It was the dreaded "C" word!
After various tests were done and biopsies we were given very unfairly misleading results. In the section of prostate that was taken out there was no trace of cancer! The doctors could not believe it either. These results gave us false hope that there had been a mistake. At a later appointment we were told that the cancer was still there and that it may have even spread. So you can image the roller coaster of emotions, going from delight and relief to upset, worry and dread.
Since then we have all noticed a huge change in my grandad. He was given hormonal tablets which were working and his psa levels (blood levels) had gone back down to an acceptable level. But at his last appointment we were told that these levels had gone back up again, so his medication was increased. Tomorrow he has another appointment. Tomorrow we will be told whether increasing his medication has worked. If it hasn't we will be told what happens next. But the only next medical step would be to go for chemotherapy. But we all need to be realistic, my grandad is in his late 80's, is this something that he could handle? If I am completely honest, I don't think he could.
So what next?
That really is the big question. I know that I cannot imagine life without my grandparents.
Yesterday they both loved seeing all of us but particularly loved seeing the children. I am going to make more of an effort to go over during the school summer holidays. I just wish that they lived closer so that I could do more to help but they didn't make the move when they had the chance and now is just too late.
So it is D-day tomorrow, just thinking about what might be said gets my stomach tied in knots, but I know we need to be strong for both my nanna and grandad. I am certain that whatever the outcome is, we will, together as a family face it and give each other the strength that may be needed and the children in the family will give us reasons to be strong.