A Hard Morning - The Final Goodbye

This morning we have to do the final act to put my grandad to rest.
This morning we are scattering his ashes.
Since the funeral this has been looming over us. That day was so, so hard and now I feel as if we are saying goodbye all over again.
That dreaded sicky, heavy feeling has returned in my stomach.
I miss him so much.
Everytime I go to visit my nanna I find myself looking in the garden and expecting to see him pottering about or whizzing up and down on his tractor (really a ride on lawnmower that we always called a tractor!). He loved that garden and being outside in it.
Everytime my nanna rings "nanna and gramps" flashes up on my phone as I cannot change it. The number of times I've said to the kids "lets go to grandma and gramps" because its what I'm used to saying.
We swapped one of our cars a few weeks ago and got a Volvo. My grandad always had Volvos until his last car. They were "good reliable cars" in his mind. After we got it all I could think was "grandad would be proud" I could even hear him saying to us "you've got a good car there, reliable and safe!"
Then the tears and feeling of loss returned. I find the majority of the time I am ok but then I'll see or hear something that reminds me of him and I'll crash back down. However I don't stay down as long as I did. I'll have my tears, get it out of my system then I'm ok.
It has been starting to get easier.
Then today has come.
This is the final goodbye. But we need to do it to get closure so that we can all move on.
Moving on doesn't mean forgetting. On the contrary, we will remember everyday. I tell the twins about him and they know who he is on  photographs and Joseph certainly has his happy memories of his gramps chasing him around the garden! Just remembering that makes me smile.
That's what I want.
I want to be able to smile whenever I think of him and not cry.
I am getting there.
After today, things should get easier again.
But first we need to set him free.
Lay him to rest and return him to family.
Grandad, I know you're looking over us and we will do you proud. If you were here you'd be telling me off for crying and being upset but today I will do exactly that because I love you and miss you. After today I promise you that I will be the strong grand daughter that you loved. I will do it because I know it is what you would want me to do!
Rest in peace dear grandad. You may not be with us in person but live on in our hearts and memories.
I love you x